After stating last week in a press conference that Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin is “kind of a pussy,” President Bush seems to be heeding the call of his Conservative brethren and is preparing a plan to liberate the people of Canada.
“Too long have the people of Canada suffered under the oppressive quasi-Socialist Martin/Chretien regime,” Bush told the White House press core on the front lawn of the white house. “Our intelligence leads us to believe that we will be received as liberators and not as occupiers.”
When questioned as to why the military approach is necessary rather than a diplomatic solution, the President responded, “I like Cheetos. Do you like Cheetos? I like ’em better than pretzels cause I can eat ’em without the secret service guys pre-chewing them for me. I like Cheetos.”
At this point Vice President Cheney took the mic and sternly told the reporter to “go f*** himself” and then explained that not doing something could be much worse than doing something very poorly. When a reporter asked what the hell that meant, Cheney faked a heart attack as Bush kept muttering something about Cheetos.
Party faithful have shown strong support for the plan with some commenting that the Canadian people deserve to be free from socialism and the evils it propagates. Newly appointed President of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz, has openly stated that he is eager to “open up those trade barriers and get some economic development started to improve the Canadian standard of living. The first step will be to get rid of that horribly inefficient public health care system and replace it with something much more sustainable.”
Wolfowitz isn’t the only one excited about the new economic playground. A spokesperson for Wal-Mart has said that the company looks forward to further expanding its position in the North United State, especially after the removal of economic inhibitors like workers rights and benefits programs.
Opposition from the Democrats has been vicious and determined. Sen. John Kerry stated that while he was dead-set against the war, he would support it if President Bush started it. “While we are against going to war with a friendly nation, we cannot ignore that friends sometimes do things that friends should not do. Health care is important and we must protect it from privatizing, unless the privatizing is a good idea. Then its a good idea. We should throw our ribbons away from old wars, but not the medals. The medals can be melted down to increase resources. I have a plan, a better plan for America. We can do better.” He was then reminded that he was no longer in the race for the Presidency.
Former CNN correspondent Tucker Carlson, now seen by 5 people on MSNBC and a few more on PBS, weighed in on the affair. “The Canadian people are more socialist than Russia ever was. They whine about everything we do without admitting that without us, Norway could come over here and kick their ass. They should stick to what they do best, dogsledding and drinking beer. Let us handle world politics.”
When asked about the impending invasion, PM Martin replied, “Really? Well, we will definitely seek a solution that will ensure my re-election. If the Canadian people want to get invaded, then that’s what we will do. This is a democratic country and I’ll be damned if I don’t do what the people want.”
Opposition Leader Stephen Harper seemed to stand in the pro-invasion camp. “America is our closest friend and strongest economic trading partner. If they need to blow off some steam and blowing up Quebec helps them do it, fine. As long as they stay out of Alberta I’m cool. The faster we can get some Fundamentalist Christian values back in this country the better. And after all, who better to put the “fun” back in fundamentalist than this administration?”
As expected, Canadians are evenly split on the issue. A pro-invasion citizen of Calgary pointed out that, “as long as they bring in some good trade and economic reforms I’m cool with some people dying. I’ve been unemployed for three years and this could really help me get a job in the rebuilding effort. The oil fields will need locals to rebuild it and I want to get in on the ground floor.”
On the other side of the spectrum, a Vancouver local was quoted at a rally for Beaver Rights and Freedoms at the Nam restaurant as saying, “We must respect the rights of the people of Canada and the animals that inhabit these great lands. Americans are brutally vicious beasts and should piss off. Any country that thinks 3% beer is good really shouldn’t be involved in international politics.”