I would like to report that I may not have found the “answers” to my questions, but this last weekend showed me the other side of the coin I had been dismissing up to this point.
In a search for a rational truth, intellectuals dismiss all things that cannot be properly documented, studied or cataloged. This is called scientific study. Yet, if one is trying to analyze the spiritual world which is possibly (quite actually) beyond our realm of understanding. Therefore, some amount of guesswork would have to be part of the final solution.
This is why I had dismissed God and the church for the past four months. Relying on “faith” seemed as logical as “trusting” someone I never met before. Not that trust is an issue, far from it actually. The problem is that I didn’t want to align myself with a belief without a reason. People in the last few days have told me amazing stories of how they became believers (you know who you are) and they were deeply touching. I could easily just hold onto their stories and that could be enough for me, but then I would be cheapening the experience of life.
To get a little deeper, this whole problem started when I realized my whole faith had been built on the testimony of other people. This is in no way a knock on their stories, but where is my story? How can I honestly build a faith in something that I never truly interacted with? At least, in a way that seemed that there could be no other possibility.
To explain, I have had many instances where the involvement of a higher power is more than likely. The most potent one has to do with the day my mom died. We were standing by the sink making dinner when she rested her head on my shoulder. Then she leaned into me. I caught her just before she fully lost control. I laid her down to the floor and began coaching her to breathe. The words, “Be still and know that I am God” came out of my mouth over and over. To this day I don’t know if they were meant for me or for her.
But does this qualify as God talking to me? Through me? A skeptic could easily point out that I was acting on instinct and that is why I never thought the words myself. A believer would flip that and say that instinct may actually be God working within us. An interesting conundrum that I still hold as unsolvable.
This past Sunday I was playing guitar for our church service and was given the task of leading a song. It had been at least a year since the last time I had lead a song at church. I had purposely pulled away from the position when I started to ask questions that had no answers. I felt it was hypocritical to be in a position of leadership when I was possibly “unfit” to lead. There was a natural feeling to leading that song. Everything just fell into place without any effort on my part. It was an extremely peaceful experience.
I may still have doubts about the logic and the intellectual side of Christianity, but I can say with little doubt that there is something there. I can’t say what that is, but I am more than willing to take the time to find out.